Anthony: Alex's blog Comments.

Just thought I'd throw these up here, since they've been stagnating for a while in the unread comments section, which is a damn shame.

First up is Alex's response to me saying 7:30 is an ungodly time in the morning when no-one should be conscious.

Alex:
When no-one should actually be CONSCIOUS...

I'm usually conscious before 6, and I love it. Waking up early in the morning is like realising that you have a life outside of everything and everyone else, and it involves only you. You can do almost anything, and it's great. My advice is, however, don't pull a random all-nighter on your own. If you have no access to the four life governing principles of livelihood (also called the 4 LGPOL), then it sucks. These are:

1. TV. Combats isolation, boredom and deprivation of the rest of the LGPOL rectangle.

2. Computer. Similar to #1, although many will argue about whether it is better or worse than #1. In my opinion, #2 is, in a way, more useful, although then you'll still want #1 as background noise.

3. Caffeinated beverages. Can be decaffienated but sugary if you prefer. To be honest, these are essential for mornings (Tea) and all-nighters (something highly caffeinated). In my opinion, these are a must for all-nighter or morning part-time hermit life.

4. LIGHT!! SWEET SWEET LIGHT!! This might just be me, but I know I need light generally all the time to function properly. Some people might replace #4 with one of their own preferences, such as MSN or CAPS LOCK (MSN would be cheating, because human contact is a no-no in part time hermitage.)

I am a part-time hermit. It is a life of human contact when they're around, and isolation when they're not. Without the 4 LGPOL, part-time hermitage would not exist. So please, give generously to the part-time hermitage fund, located at my bank account.

Hillarious, no? Well, nevermind. Maybe you'll laugh at the next one.


Alex:

Hello. I am reading your blog again, and since I've been very contemptful recently, I decided that I should have a rant myself, like the angry old man I am inside. (Yes, I know I have a blog, it is called Painfully Orange and you can visit it at a certain URL which I forgot and don't greatly care about, but anyhow...)

My rant for the day is of a game called 'Park this boat' at addictinggames.com. It has made me want to gouge my eyes out with a telephone. And here's why...

1. Apart from the fact that you are a boat, it doesn't differ at all from any car game whatsoever. Driving a boat is different. Allow me to elaborate...

2. The boat is essentially an ocean liner, and, by the way the game dispays it, it has the same physics as someone who can inexplicably drive an enormous semi-trailer into a compact parking spot at your nearest shopping centre. Big-arse boats are, in essence, the single hardest thing to drive on this earth. Why?
a) A boat will never stay still. NEVER. EVER.
b) A big-arse boat will usually have a greatly delayed response time, meaning driving it in any small space is nigh on impossible. The game makes you think you could park this thing in an office cubicle.
c)Most boats of the size stated require small armies to operate them. You need watchmen, a helmsman and various others for anything else. Operating a boat as large as the size stated means that you would probably be crazy AND drunk. At least. Also, you would probably be blind.

3. If you have ever been ON a boat in the slightest, you will know that boats rarely steer themselves around carparks filled with other boats. Maybe in MORONIA, but not in the real world. Usually, boats steer around things which cause them to receive damage out in THE REAL WORLD, such as underwater rocks, and islands and crap. Big-arse boats also NEVER,EVER are parked in enormous labrynths of boats. Why? Common sense.

Believe me, I have driven a large, large boat before. It was HARD. This was out in the open, mind you, not in some stupid maze-like boat-carpark, and it was confusing and scary. Driving a big-arse boat through a stupid maze-like-boat carpark would literally be like attemting to guide a cow falling from an aeroplane at 30,000 feet to land on top of a flagpole, at night, with no moon. You're a genius if you can do it, but a complete idiot if you try.

That's my rant for today, and remember, check out the URL of Orange Painful, whatever it may be, I can't remember, because if you do, I might just rant there.

P.S: good blog post. Very insightful.

If you didn't laugh, well, you're excused. That was more factual than funny. But here is the grand finale: Laugh.

Alex Proclaims:


today's annoying blog-unrelated comment is entitled:
"Choppin'"

I ask you, the reader, this; Have you ever been choppin'?

I myself went choppin', and it was unbelievably satisfactory.

Here is a description of choppin' for the uninformed:

STEP 1. Get an axe. Mine was old and rusty, but if you don't want tetanus, perhaps buy a new one. If you want to be
**^MEGA AWESOME^**, do not buy a block splitter unless you are choppin' blocks of wood.

STEP 2. Find a tree. If you're smart, don't start with a big one, just find one maybe as thick as your forearm, as I did. Or find one with a branch that thick, and chop the branch.

STEP 3. If you are choppin' a big branch, (as I did), then swing the axe behind your head until the back of the head (yes moron, the BACK of the pointy bit) is almost touching your back. Be sure to grab the bottom 1/3rd of the axe, as this gives more momentum.

STEP 4. SWING the axe around, gaining momentum as you finally drive it into the future firewood. Remember to keep your feet apart, so that you are not choppin' your shin.

STEP 5. Repeat Steps 3-4 until branch is chopped good and through. This is a refined skill, and is like golf in that you have to try and hit it in the same way every time. Like golf, except violent.

STEP 6. If cutting down a tree, you have to chop as if teeing off in golf. I'm not going to instruct you on that, go do it yourself.

STEP 7. Repeat Step 6 constantly until tree is chopped down WITH A VENGEANCE!!!

STEP 8. By now you should be mega-strong and have a small pile of firewood. If your firewood is neither small or pile shaped, keep choppin' it until it is. If you have no firewood, go out and chop you lazy bugger! When firewood is pile shaped, and reasonably sized, proceed to STEP 9.

STEP 9. Inherit bragging rights, make a fire, rinse and repeat, until you have massive biceps, a bonfire capable of burning witches, and YOU FREAKIN' HATE WOODCHOPPING.

The instructions above are titled 'How to chop' aka 'How to be a man among men' or alternatively known as 'How to be awesome.'


Final note, if you follow these steps and succeed, then you owe me nine hundred dollars.

Anthony: More Global Warming.

I'm in a fairly reasonable state now, and can actually type without yelling and screaming. I'll explain to you why I'm so annoyed.

It's all to do with a bunch of people, who, as always, are really really stupid. As in, "Holy Jesus on a Jetski we're all going to die!" sort of stupid.

So there's this girl. She's a pro-global warming person. And I mean that as in she seems to like it. Not for the conventional reasons, though.

I saw her at the bus stop. I knew her vaugley, and she new me, mainly from the poster I put up against Global Warming. She came over and asked me if I still was 'a narrow-minded world-killing numbskull'. I said yes, I guess I was.
She then tried to convince me I was wrong.

It went along these steps:

1: Moan about the crisis. Boo hoo. I nodded sympathetically, waiting for the bus driver to arrive.

2: She then described the sources. I shook my head, and wonderd what was taking the driver so long.

3: Then came the inevitable lecture on being selfish, and the Fat Cat CEO's of the oil companies.

4: I asked her why she didn't just go and live in the stone age, and leave me alone.

5: She told me that she was encouraging a retreat to the past ages, since humans were obviously 'not responsible enough' to handle this level of power. What the hell was taking that bus driver so long?

6: I asked her, in a vain effort to distract her from being stupid, how much Co2 she was producing. The answer? She didn't care, because Earth was doomed anyway, and no-one else was trying to stop it. Apparently it's going to teach us all a lesson.

7: Turns out she's a vegan.

8: YAY! Bus driver!

9: I leave.

I really, really hate other people. I mean... come on.

In other news, I yelled at someone in front of their social circle, and then threatened to beat them with what was left of their shallow, broken dignity. Why? Because he called me a hippie speckie shortarse.

His friends were glad to inform him that he got pwned. Ah, the traitorous bastards.

Chris Brown, and so forth. By Anthony.

Chris Brown, for those of you who aren't in touch with the real world (like me, I only heard about him a few nights ago on late night radio while getting a drink) Chris Brown is the ex-bf of Riahna (or however you spell it). They broke up after he beat her. As is, whaled on her with his fists.

Quite rightly, the world went : "Fuck you, Chrissie m'boy."
And raido stopped playing his music, and for a while, he was in complete disregard, and got through the courtcase and out the other side alive, without being savaged by fans.

Then, a while later, he released a new single. Contrary to popular hopes, it was NOT a wishy washy apology song. He had profusely apologized, both on T.V, in public and over the phone to her. He felt the need to keep the apology out of his music. I, for one, applaud him for that, seeing as the world has enough wishy washy R&B put there.

The second song he released, quite recently, does seem to be the apology song. And hey, it;s going down well, and the question is: Should we start buying his songs, and playing them on the radio, and all that, or just continiue to musically exclude the poor bastard?

In my view, music and musician are two things that can be taken seperatley. Most people don't believe this.
But even then, he's done something he'll regret for almost the rest of his life (Until he gets Alzheimer's). He's apologized profusely, and christ. It's not like people have to go and HUG him, they just have to let him go and make his living. He fucked up, but that should not kill his career. His social and dating life, maybe. But the dude needs to make some money somehow. And since he's not about to go and do any REAL work, let him continiue making music.

Besides, we forgave all the other celebreties who dangled their kids of bannisters, mistreated them and drunk drove, took drugs and had questionable sexual acts pinned to their name. Why should this be any different?

On a side note, I think he's a dick, and his music is terrible for the most part.

The one you didn't see coming... ~ALEX

Yes, it's a post you didn't see coming.

Remember the time, pretty much every decade, every millenium ever, up until 2 years ago, when beverages used to be about FLAVOUR?

Things have changed, and it probably started with the invention of 'New Mother'. Pretentiously tasting like the energy drink V, New Mother promised more caffeine. Since around then, almost our entire beverage market has revolved around 'Kick'.

I am not a caffeine person. I could drink the supermarket energy drink aisle dry and the only "kick" I would feel would be a slight nudge. So I'm a taste man. And to be honest, there is no energy drink in the world that doesn't taste like barnyard mystery urine.

Now, barnyard mystery urine may be satisfactory for others, but why should it? You want kick, go out and buy a kilogram of coffee, put it in a real bucket of barnyard mystery urine (hereforth referred to as BMU) and drink it. At least you'll get authenticity. Yet, the case of the stupid energy drink craze heads deeper...

Pepsi. Max.

YOU ARE NOT AN ENERGY DRINK. YOU WILL NEVER BE AN ENERGY DRINK. DONT TRY TO BE.

Pepsi Max has followed the big boys in the energy drink market, claiming "Maximum Kick, No sugar." (I remember it used to be Maximum Taste, but who wants taste when you can have a urine-flavoured caffeine seizure?). They now sell Pepsi Max in the 'big cans'; so you can drink half a litre of this questionable substance, claiming to contain 'the legal limit' of energy. If people so badly want a caffeine high, why don't they just shoot it directly into their veins and forgo the urine flavours? I mean, pepsi max has a decent flavour, but they can't be an energy drink when their caffeine level is NOT 'the legal limit'. After all, why would you want an energy drink that isn't essentially BMU (see? I used the abbrev.).

I'll tell you who wants an energy drink that isn't BMU? No-one. Why? I don't really know, nor is it relevant to my rant. I'll tell you this though. Gamers drink energy drinks, because they are lazy. My next question? Why do lazy people need energy drinks? To stay up? Come on... if you really felt like staying up, you'd take a few no-doz and maybe balance it out with a drink that isn't regarded as "Fruit (urine) flavour". My further query, why do people want so much energy?

After analyzing the market, I have decided to make my own brand of energy drink. I will call it FURY because caps lock means rage, and therefore an incredulous amount of energy. The drink will taste like fermented yellow horse lemonade, but it will still be bought. Why? Because it is 95% Crack cocaine. I think if they let me sell it, I'll be living in a house made out of bank notes by the end of this year.

By the way, I have finally decided to exempt Mountain Dew from the laws of energy drinks. "Why?" you ask, "It too tastes like the proverbial melted yellow snow." Well, I'll tell you why. It's not flavoured by Barnyard Mystery Urine. I know that it's moose urine.

Comment if you feel like it,

Alex

Game Reviews: New Super Mario Bros for Nintendo DS ~BY ALEX

Hey all, its me.

I thought i'd interrupt the raw anger to provide you with a fascinating insight into the world of New Super Mario Bros. , for Nintendo DS. In case you didn't read the title.

Pros:

1. MARIO!

2. Sound/Music is always awesome.

3. Big mushrooms make you super big, and it really is the easy way to p4wn all bosses.

4. Very few signs of Luigi.

5. Bowser Jr. is easy to defeat. Although it does make you a baby basher, which is low...

6. Minigames are fun for ADHD sufferers.

7. It's mario. (See point 1)

Ok, now for the cons...

1. You can't save every level. If I could express the amount of hate I feel towards this trait of the game, I would've probably unleashed so many expletives by now that even Anthony would probably feel offended. Look at it like this; you've been playing for a solid half-hour, and have reached a saving level stage (a tower or a castle - it's all good). You play through this previously unplayed level, realising just how annoying that un-killable enemy of mario's is, and then you get the two words, which, more than anything in the world make you want to take up a career as a postman, realise how little job satisfaction you have, steal people's money, get fired for stealing people's money, use people's money to buy a gun, wait for the gun clearance to occur, and then walk back into the office from whence you were previously fired as a postman and shoot whoever happens to be there at the time. Anyway, onto point 2...

2. Mario's death sequence. I swear, this thing pisses me off more than stupid people and lack of donuts put together. It goes like this:

1) You are happily meandering along the level.

2) You encounter a really feeble incident (think falling down a ridiculously small hole, or walking into a mysterious brown blob who can't hurt you in any real way whatsoever [He doesn't even have a mouth - Frikin hell!])

3) As soon as above incident occurs, Mario turns to face the game player. Ok, not bad...

4) He flaps his arms, while looking surprised. This is really, really annoying. And yes, I'm surprised too - that you can DIE SO EASILY.

5) If the original flapping-arms thing isn't annoying enough, you jump up and fall off the screen.

Seriously, if you have the energy to do that, can't you just escape the threat and get more health. It's nearly as horrible as when you're in a 3rd person shooter and you just get shot at until you die. And really, it's just sad.

3. You can never really just GET the star. It's in some hidden box. Don't get me wrong, I love the star, it's just that it annoys me when you have to jump up and down like a pogo stick rider with ADHD just to find a star.

And yes, that's about it. As for the above, the game is MARIO, so get it. Now.

RATING: 90/100 [pretty entertaining - go buy it]

On another note, I agree with Anthony about the YOUth Decide voting, but on a different note. If you asked most people with any brain between them, they could tell you that not only are we dependent on renewable energy for less than 5% of our power, they could also tell you that that's about as much renewable energy as we can get. Saying we should have 40-50% renewable energy is like a little kid saying that he's going to travel to the moon by use of balloons. Not only is it completely impossible, it allows the people who claim the idea to be ridiculed. I'm so glad I live in a generation of morons, bought by cheap propaganda.

That's all for now

~Alex

Anthony: Fuck you, YOUth Decide.

Alright, we've started off on a good, profainitive (is that a word?) title. Let's continiue this trend, and talk about YOUth Decide.

Youth decide, in common terms, is a voting poll for the youth of the world on the topic of cutting Co2 emissions by 2020. There are three categories, World 1, 2 and 3. In each one, there are varying emission cuts, and you vote for the one you want.

In MY terms, it's a political dupe designed to use the uninformed mass of schoolchildren to support Global Climate Change, (or whatever bull they call it now). They have done this by presrnting us with several choices filled with propaganda.
My question to them, before I present my view on the individual voting points, is this:
"So, you're exploiting the fact that the majority of these kids have insubstantial education on Global Warming, and only know the propaganda you feed them through the education system, and using this as 'research' to prove that we need to cut emissions. Do you have a soul?"

Seriously, it's pretty much like a test. They have taught you about this, and you are CONDITIONED to believe this is the truth. How could you not support them?

And if that wasn't bad enough, I have here a list of things that are wrong about the images and details they provide for each of the voting choices, worlds 1-3.

World 1:
Emission Cuts: 4-24% reduction.
Their Comment: World 1 shows the likley concequences if blah blah blah, REDUCE EMISSIONS BY 10-30% below 1990 levels by 2020 and 40-90% by 2050.
My Comment: That's a lot of reduction. D:

They Claim in Text:
-The Great Barrier Reef will be DESTROYEDED. Wtf?
-20-50% of plant and animal life will be EXTINCTED. Despite the fact that Co2 is good for plants.
-170 million people flooded each year. Tidal energy much?
-Despite that, 1.2 BILLION people will face water shortages. Desalination plants, anyone?
-AND MORE! http://www.youthdecide.com.au/About-Us/Vote-information.aspx (Click on World 1)

They Claim in Imagrey:
-People in the centre of the continents drown.
-Tanker ships belch out fumes larger than themselves.
-All the fish die (and get really, really big)
-Australia spponatiously combusts.

So, you CAN'T vote for this world without feeling like a chump.


World 2:
Emission Cuts: 25-40% reduction.
Their Comment: World 2 shows the likley concequences if blah blah blah, REDUCE EMISSIONS BY 25-40% below 1990 levels by 2020.

They Claim in Text:
-The Great Barrier Reef will be mass bleached.
-15-40% of plant and animal life will be EXTINCTED. Despite the fact that Co2 is good for plants. Again.
-10 million people flooded each year. Only ten million, but all the planst and animals still die.
-This time, only 1 billion people will face water shortages.
-AND MORE! http://www.youthdecide.com.au/About-Us/Vote-information.aspx (Click on World 2)

They Claim in Imagrey:
-People in the centre of the continents drown. But not all of them. Some of them are happy. And not saving the drowning people. What JERKS.
-Tanker ships belch out fumes only half as big as themselves.
-Some pfthe fish die (and they get really, really big)
-Australia sponatiously combusts, but to a lesser extent, and there are now people in Australia.
-We actually have trees now.

Despite the dramatic increase in cuts, we still are all fucked. Want to feel like a dick? Vote for THIS world.

World 3:
Emission Cuts: 40+% reduction.
Their Comment: World 1 shows the likley concequences if blah blah blah, REDUCE EMISSIONS BY 10-30% below 1990 levels by 2020 and more than 95% by 2050.
My Comment: OMFGWHAT?

They Claim in Text:
-The Great Barrier Reef will mostly preserved, but still affected.
-Significantly less plant and animal life will be EXTINCTED compared to world 1-2.
-Significantly less people flooded each year. What happened to all the detailed figures?
-Significanly less people will face water shortages. Is that all you can say?
-AND MORE! http://www.youthdecide.com.au/About-Us/Vote-information.aspx (Click on World 3)

They Claim in Imagrey:
-Everyone is happy.
-Tankers are replaced by yachts.
-We still have an economy.
-There are no factories.
-The coral reef is now... ON Australia?
-The planes have no windows or visible propulsion.
-Altogether too many trees.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, that's over. Now, these people assume that cutting our reductions for 40% or more (they even had a box in which you could state your own reccomendation if the given were not DRASTIC enough), they still assume we would have PLANES, CARS, SHIPS, umm.... PLACES WHERE THEY MAKE THINGS..... and all that. And power. Oh, and plastic.

Renewable makes up less than 2% of the worlds power. The greenies hate Nuclear, and have added it as a carbon producer (in the case of France, most of their power is nuclear, yet they are still apparently a huge carbon monster). Some guy put a whole load of solar panels in the desert, and the greenies bitched about the environment being hurt by it. What the fuckity fuck?

To replace all our energy, we'd have to do drastinc things, such as progressivley go BACK through the ages of technology untill we're banging rocks together to make fire, and then have them confiscated because fire produces C02. They'll kill all the cows because they make too much methane and eat too much food. We'll all become vegetarians, and then be culled off for producing too much gass.
THEN, we might achieve our goals. I'm fairly sure that some people want this to hapen so they can 'Save the Planet' and 'Live Closer to Mother Earth'.

Mother Earth is a bitch, and every step we have taken has been in the OTHER directions. The only reason we're not all in space it because it sucks out there (lol vacum joke, aren't I the WORST?). Yet these greenies want us to go BACK and live with untamed Earth?

Go fcuk yourself, then go die in a hole. Don't inconvenience me with the placement of your cold, dead, rotting corpse either.
I'll produce as much Co2 as I want.
Why?
Because it does not cause warming.

Thankyou, and goodnight.
(P.S: Don't get offended. Actually, feel free. It's on the house.)

So, you CAN'T vote for this world without feeling like a chump.
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