Anthony: Alex's blog Comments.

Just thought I'd throw these up here, since they've been stagnating for a while in the unread comments section, which is a damn shame.

First up is Alex's response to me saying 7:30 is an ungodly time in the morning when no-one should be conscious.

Alex:
When no-one should actually be CONSCIOUS...

I'm usually conscious before 6, and I love it. Waking up early in the morning is like realising that you have a life outside of everything and everyone else, and it involves only you. You can do almost anything, and it's great. My advice is, however, don't pull a random all-nighter on your own. If you have no access to the four life governing principles of livelihood (also called the 4 LGPOL), then it sucks. These are:

1. TV. Combats isolation, boredom and deprivation of the rest of the LGPOL rectangle.

2. Computer. Similar to #1, although many will argue about whether it is better or worse than #1. In my opinion, #2 is, in a way, more useful, although then you'll still want #1 as background noise.

3. Caffeinated beverages. Can be decaffienated but sugary if you prefer. To be honest, these are essential for mornings (Tea) and all-nighters (something highly caffeinated). In my opinion, these are a must for all-nighter or morning part-time hermit life.

4. LIGHT!! SWEET SWEET LIGHT!! This might just be me, but I know I need light generally all the time to function properly. Some people might replace #4 with one of their own preferences, such as MSN or CAPS LOCK (MSN would be cheating, because human contact is a no-no in part time hermitage.)

I am a part-time hermit. It is a life of human contact when they're around, and isolation when they're not. Without the 4 LGPOL, part-time hermitage would not exist. So please, give generously to the part-time hermitage fund, located at my bank account.

Hillarious, no? Well, nevermind. Maybe you'll laugh at the next one.


Alex:

Hello. I am reading your blog again, and since I've been very contemptful recently, I decided that I should have a rant myself, like the angry old man I am inside. (Yes, I know I have a blog, it is called Painfully Orange and you can visit it at a certain URL which I forgot and don't greatly care about, but anyhow...)

My rant for the day is of a game called 'Park this boat' at addictinggames.com. It has made me want to gouge my eyes out with a telephone. And here's why...

1. Apart from the fact that you are a boat, it doesn't differ at all from any car game whatsoever. Driving a boat is different. Allow me to elaborate...

2. The boat is essentially an ocean liner, and, by the way the game dispays it, it has the same physics as someone who can inexplicably drive an enormous semi-trailer into a compact parking spot at your nearest shopping centre. Big-arse boats are, in essence, the single hardest thing to drive on this earth. Why?
a) A boat will never stay still. NEVER. EVER.
b) A big-arse boat will usually have a greatly delayed response time, meaning driving it in any small space is nigh on impossible. The game makes you think you could park this thing in an office cubicle.
c)Most boats of the size stated require small armies to operate them. You need watchmen, a helmsman and various others for anything else. Operating a boat as large as the size stated means that you would probably be crazy AND drunk. At least. Also, you would probably be blind.

3. If you have ever been ON a boat in the slightest, you will know that boats rarely steer themselves around carparks filled with other boats. Maybe in MORONIA, but not in the real world. Usually, boats steer around things which cause them to receive damage out in THE REAL WORLD, such as underwater rocks, and islands and crap. Big-arse boats also NEVER,EVER are parked in enormous labrynths of boats. Why? Common sense.

Believe me, I have driven a large, large boat before. It was HARD. This was out in the open, mind you, not in some stupid maze-like boat-carpark, and it was confusing and scary. Driving a big-arse boat through a stupid maze-like-boat carpark would literally be like attemting to guide a cow falling from an aeroplane at 30,000 feet to land on top of a flagpole, at night, with no moon. You're a genius if you can do it, but a complete idiot if you try.

That's my rant for today, and remember, check out the URL of Orange Painful, whatever it may be, I can't remember, because if you do, I might just rant there.

P.S: good blog post. Very insightful.

If you didn't laugh, well, you're excused. That was more factual than funny. But here is the grand finale: Laugh.

Alex Proclaims:


today's annoying blog-unrelated comment is entitled:
"Choppin'"

I ask you, the reader, this; Have you ever been choppin'?

I myself went choppin', and it was unbelievably satisfactory.

Here is a description of choppin' for the uninformed:

STEP 1. Get an axe. Mine was old and rusty, but if you don't want tetanus, perhaps buy a new one. If you want to be
**^MEGA AWESOME^**, do not buy a block splitter unless you are choppin' blocks of wood.

STEP 2. Find a tree. If you're smart, don't start with a big one, just find one maybe as thick as your forearm, as I did. Or find one with a branch that thick, and chop the branch.

STEP 3. If you are choppin' a big branch, (as I did), then swing the axe behind your head until the back of the head (yes moron, the BACK of the pointy bit) is almost touching your back. Be sure to grab the bottom 1/3rd of the axe, as this gives more momentum.

STEP 4. SWING the axe around, gaining momentum as you finally drive it into the future firewood. Remember to keep your feet apart, so that you are not choppin' your shin.

STEP 5. Repeat Steps 3-4 until branch is chopped good and through. This is a refined skill, and is like golf in that you have to try and hit it in the same way every time. Like golf, except violent.

STEP 6. If cutting down a tree, you have to chop as if teeing off in golf. I'm not going to instruct you on that, go do it yourself.

STEP 7. Repeat Step 6 constantly until tree is chopped down WITH A VENGEANCE!!!

STEP 8. By now you should be mega-strong and have a small pile of firewood. If your firewood is neither small or pile shaped, keep choppin' it until it is. If you have no firewood, go out and chop you lazy bugger! When firewood is pile shaped, and reasonably sized, proceed to STEP 9.

STEP 9. Inherit bragging rights, make a fire, rinse and repeat, until you have massive biceps, a bonfire capable of burning witches, and YOU FREAKIN' HATE WOODCHOPPING.

The instructions above are titled 'How to chop' aka 'How to be a man among men' or alternatively known as 'How to be awesome.'


Final note, if you follow these steps and succeed, then you owe me nine hundred dollars.