The one you didn't see coming... ~ALEX

Yes, it's a post you didn't see coming.

Remember the time, pretty much every decade, every millenium ever, up until 2 years ago, when beverages used to be about FLAVOUR?

Things have changed, and it probably started with the invention of 'New Mother'. Pretentiously tasting like the energy drink V, New Mother promised more caffeine. Since around then, almost our entire beverage market has revolved around 'Kick'.

I am not a caffeine person. I could drink the supermarket energy drink aisle dry and the only "kick" I would feel would be a slight nudge. So I'm a taste man. And to be honest, there is no energy drink in the world that doesn't taste like barnyard mystery urine.

Now, barnyard mystery urine may be satisfactory for others, but why should it? You want kick, go out and buy a kilogram of coffee, put it in a real bucket of barnyard mystery urine (hereforth referred to as BMU) and drink it. At least you'll get authenticity. Yet, the case of the stupid energy drink craze heads deeper...

Pepsi. Max.

YOU ARE NOT AN ENERGY DRINK. YOU WILL NEVER BE AN ENERGY DRINK. DONT TRY TO BE.

Pepsi Max has followed the big boys in the energy drink market, claiming "Maximum Kick, No sugar." (I remember it used to be Maximum Taste, but who wants taste when you can have a urine-flavoured caffeine seizure?). They now sell Pepsi Max in the 'big cans'; so you can drink half a litre of this questionable substance, claiming to contain 'the legal limit' of energy. If people so badly want a caffeine high, why don't they just shoot it directly into their veins and forgo the urine flavours? I mean, pepsi max has a decent flavour, but they can't be an energy drink when their caffeine level is NOT 'the legal limit'. After all, why would you want an energy drink that isn't essentially BMU (see? I used the abbrev.).

I'll tell you who wants an energy drink that isn't BMU? No-one. Why? I don't really know, nor is it relevant to my rant. I'll tell you this though. Gamers drink energy drinks, because they are lazy. My next question? Why do lazy people need energy drinks? To stay up? Come on... if you really felt like staying up, you'd take a few no-doz and maybe balance it out with a drink that isn't regarded as "Fruit (urine) flavour". My further query, why do people want so much energy?

After analyzing the market, I have decided to make my own brand of energy drink. I will call it FURY because caps lock means rage, and therefore an incredulous amount of energy. The drink will taste like fermented yellow horse lemonade, but it will still be bought. Why? Because it is 95% Crack cocaine. I think if they let me sell it, I'll be living in a house made out of bank notes by the end of this year.

By the way, I have finally decided to exempt Mountain Dew from the laws of energy drinks. "Why?" you ask, "It too tastes like the proverbial melted yellow snow." Well, I'll tell you why. It's not flavoured by Barnyard Mystery Urine. I know that it's moose urine.

Comment if you feel like it,

Alex